Lifestyle of the clumsy and sleep deprived

Just like the riddle, "which came first....chick or egg," I have to wonder if my clumsy ways are due to the sleep deprivation or if the sleep deprivation is there because I'm so afraid of rolling out of bed while asleep that I freak myself out just enough that I never get to the REM sleep.

You think I'm joking, don't you. Well, two facts remain: I haven't had a full seven hours sleep in about three weeks -- I'm averaging about four, four and a half on the outside. And the stupidest of self-inflicted injuries was added to the list as of Sunday afternoon. While folding laundry.

Which brings me to the post. I was asked tonight, after giving all the sordid details of my latest dumb-fuck move, if I was generally a clumsy person. I quickly answered an emphatic, "No." I mean, we all slam our fingers in the silverware drawer or get papercuts from time to time. So perhaps I answered a bit quickly wanting it to be true, knowing it wasn't. Though I will say that of the Zimmerman girls, I will ALWAYS come in second to my sister who is the undefeated champ in the pissing contest with gravity. The girl nearly broke her collarbone FALLING OFF A STOOL showing someone her new shoes, her head was mistaken for a softball when she was three, she fell off my bed at five (allegedly due to a misplaced chair she was sitting in. Which may or may not have been put there by me. Allegedly.) and split her leg crawling into her apartment through the kitchen window.

.....Ok, so that may have had less to do with gravity and more to do with vodka, but I think you can see how even sober that could have played the same.....

God help us all if I ever manage to defeat her title. But obviously it's not for the lack of trying.

Take for example my attempts: Stepping on razor, barefoot. Being taken for a walk by my Granddad's black lab...through the hedges. Mistakenly putting lip cream on my eyes and eye cream on my lips after a bad sunburn and having my eyes swell shut. Laying in insulation because it looked like cotton candy (by the way, anything that color pink should be edible, not be made up of glass shards.) Punching myself out with a right cross in a group fitness class. Coming up to a red light and stopping my bike precisely next to a pot hole and almost falling off my bike when I set my foot down into it. Introducing my face to a slippery pile of wet rocks, twice.

.....Ok, so that may have had less to do with gravity and more to do with beer, but I think you can see how even sober that could have played the same.....

and my latest feeble attempt....Nearly breaking my wrist slamming down on the back of couch frame. I'm brilliant I tell ya, brilliant. I now realize my previous answer tonight must be retracted and, "Yes, yes I am clumsy" must be noted for the record.

Don't think for a hot second that I don't appreciate what hasn't happened to me, self-inflicted or other, because I know damn well there are much worse things out there. Please, please, know that I don't need to experience any of them. Not when I can just go ask my sister.

And you can keep the belt, sis. I don't want to defeat title.